It's Hermione, Run!
by Wicked Flaw
Summary: Hermione tracks Sirius down to give him a cooking lesson for Harry’s birthday and are overheard by Harry and Ron. Slightly implied HermioneRon. Complete. Complete humor.


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**It's Hermione …Run!**

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**By: WickedFlaw **

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**Summary: Hermione tracks Sirius down to give him a cooking lesson for Harry's birthday and are overheard by Harry and Ron. Slightly implied Hermione/Ron. Complete. Complete humor. **

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**Author's Note: This was done as a challenge by serenity on The ** **Alliance****. I recommend that you all go take a look and sign on! I LOVE it! Just make sure to say that WickedFlaw sent you! Here's the link: http/snaperape018. Now Go! oh wait... You have to read my story first! **

**Disclaimer: No, I do not own the characters… they belong to the lovely JKR. :smiles:**

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**Genres: Humor. Plain and simple!**

**Rating: PG … **

**WARNINGS: nope. **

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**Here's the Challenge:**

**Main Characters: Hermione, Sirius  
Genre: Humor  
Length: over 2000 words  
Oddities that MUST be included:  
-That doesn't go in there.  
-You aren't supposed to shove it in so hard.  
-See, that helps lubricate it.  
Hermione gives Sirius a cooking lesson and some overhears them.  
Date to be Completed by: July 11 **

**And Now here's my story! **

Sirius ducked behind some cloaks in a hallway closet in fear. He heard the footsteps coming closer and closer. _Please don't find me! Please don't find me! Please don't find me!_ He kept up the chant in his head even as the foot steps walked by.

"Sirius? Where are you?"

He sucked in a breath as he heard the woman coming back to the closet door. He nearly fainted in fright when the door handle jiggled.

"Hey, Herm! Whatcha doing?"

Sirius thanked Merlin for his godson's distraction.

"Oh, Harry! I was looking for Sirius," she paused. "Have you seen him?"

Sirius was chewing on his nails as both he and Hermione waited out the long silence as Harry thought about it.

"Last I saw of him, Padfoot was ducking into a room on the third floor," came the response. "Just past the candle room."

"Thanks!"

Sirius sighed in relief as the girls bounding steps rushed off down the hall and up to the third floor of the house.

Just when he though he was safe, the doorknob turned and Sirius was greet with the amused face of his grandson.

"You can't escape her forever, Padfoot."

"Just keep her going in the opposite directions and I'll just be fine," was the growled reply from _Padfoot_.

"Have fun!" Harry called after him as Sirius darted out of the closet and toward the kitchen. If he was going to be chased around the house, he was going to have some food in his stomach.

When he got there, he only had enough time to convince Dobby to play a _game_ with him, whip him up something to eat, help him find a hiding place in one of the cupboards before the whirlwind known as Hermione Grange come storming into the kitchen in a huff.

"Is something wrong with Hermione?" Dobby asked her.

"Oh Dobby," she gushed. "I just can't seem to find Harry's godfather, Sirius, anywhere!"

"Dobby knows were Sir is," the house elf announced as he stirred a bowl with a lumpy substance.

"Really, Dobby? Could you tell me where he is?"

Dobby shook his head and added a two eggs to the mixture. "Dobby not permitted to dis-disclose the whereabouts of Dobby's master." He reached for another ingredient.

"But Dobby, this is important! I _need_ to find him! Please tell me where he is! I won't tell anyone you told me!" She tried to persuade her friend.

"No. Dobby would have to punish Dobby and Dobby doesn't want to today." He started to roll the batter into a group of little balls. "Besides, Master Black doesn't want to be disturbed."

Hermione sat in a huff in a chair just next to Sirius's hiding spot. His sensitive canine nose picked up the different aromas from the kitchen and Hermione's sent was almost dominating over the smell of baking cookies… almost.

"If you tell me where Sirius is, I'll help you with the cookies." Hermione continued to try to get the information from poor Dobby.

"What help can you provide that Dobby can't do, Miss. Hermione? Dobby is almost done with cookies." The house elf began working on another bowl of batter and Sirius could feel his mouth start to water.

"Dobby, I _need_ to know where he is!"

"Kreacher knows too." Was Dobby's response.

Sirius blinked in surprise as Hermione's sent deflated and the sound of running feet sang in his ears.

Dobby barely spared 'Master Black' a glance as a large black dog slowly emerge from a cupboard.

"There, Master Black, Dobby is playing game and has first set of cookies almost done!"

The dog nodded his head and curled into a ball next to Dobby as the elf finished his cookies.

A while later, after eating his fill of Dobby's wonderful cookies, Sirius found himself in trapped with no way for escape… well, not with out his godson's help.

"Come on, Harry! You have to help me!" Sirius was nearly begging Harry. He could hear the Mrs. Weasley mini clone make her way closer and closer.

"Why don't you just confront her, Padfoot?"

"Harry! You how it is with that… that," he fumbled around for the right word. "that scary female with the knowledge to turn me into a mouse for her cat thing! You have to!"

Harry laughed at his godfather's antics.

"Alright, alright. I'll help you," Harry began, but Sirius was a little nervous about that gleam in Harry's dark cucumber eyes. "But, I better be getting some awesome gift tomorrow," Harry winked. "Or I just might tell Hermione that you were hiding from her all day today."

Sirius gave his godson the perfect impression of a mute, shock, frightened fish.

"You wouldn't."

"Wanna bet?"

Sirius shook his head venomously. "No I don't! I want you to hide me within the next three seconds before that devil of a girl comes in here and finds me!"

Harry held up his hands. "Ok, ok! You see that truck over there?" Harry pointed to the large, worn chest sitting amidst a pile of old junk.

"Yes?" Sirius urged Harry to continue.

"Well, hide in there. I'm sure you can fit comfortably as a dog."

Sirius vaulted over to the old thing and threw it open. Harry got up to shut it after the great, big black dog known as his godfather leaped in and curled up.

_What is this world coming to? Having to hide in closets, cupboards, and now old trunks just to keep away from that banshee of a woman!_

"Harry!" The bushy haired girl exclaimed in delight. "I thought I heard your voice in here!"

"Hey Herm. You found me! Now, what can I do for you?"

Hermione sat down on top of the old trunk. Sirius cursed silently. _Why does she _always_ seem to be so close to finding me? Why? _

"I am still looking for your evasive godfather."

"Evasive? Funny, I can always find him if I need to."

"Yes, well I haven't been able to find him all day!"

Harry laughed aloud. "I am sure he's curled up in a ball in a box somewhere, just waiting for you to find him."

Hermione sighed. "No, I've checked _everywhere_! He isn't here!"

"Oh, I am sure he's in the house. You are just going to have to look harder."

"I guess you are right." Hermione stood and stretched her legs. "I _will_ find him eventually. Hey, Harry?"

"Yes?"

"If you see him, will you tell him to stay put so that I can find him?"

Harry laughed. "I am sure he knows that."

Hermione smiled an left the room in higher hopes.

Sirius started to paw at the sides of the smelly old trunk when he was positive that the girl was a safe distance away.

Harry opened the top and Sirius in all his doggy glory came pooping out. After a few stretches, he morphed back into a human and collapsed against a wall.

"That girl will be the death of me!"

"Isn't that supposed to be my job, Padfoot?"

Sirius eyed his godson for a second. "No, your job is to continue to hide me from that bushy haired _thing_ until she gives up!"

Harry shook his head and pulled out the book he had been reading before. "I am afraid, dear godfather of mine, that you do _not_ know Miss. Hermione Granger very well. I can tell you right now, that girl will never give up."

Sirius sighed. "Well, I'm used to running and hiding. In fact, I should get paid for it!"

Harry laughed and Sirius slinked out the door. _Poor Padfoot. She'll get him eventually._

And Harry was right. Sirius found himself trapped without any luck just minutes later.

"Hey Sirius!" a very feminine voice called out.

Sirius turned to see the young Ms. Granger coming towards him. _Damn! It's too late to hide! _

"Sirius! It's Harry's birthday tomorrow!" she exclaimed.

"I know that, Hermione. I _am_ his godfather" he reminded her.

His chiding tone had no effect on her. "I was thinking about how nice it would be if you did something for him!"

Sirius eyed the girl with a cautious gleam in his eye. The last time Hermione had one of her "nice thoughts" it was the perfect recipe for disaster. He still had his poor shrunken army of multicolored socks that never stop dancing the tango in a box in the far, far reaches of his closet.

"What do you have in mind?" he asked slowly.

Hermione giggled and started babbling on about making a dinner for Harry. Sirius just stared at her. She lost him at the, "Wouldn't you…" part, but he had heard the words: "birthday", "cook", "idea", "dinner" and "you".

"Huh?" he asked, stopping Hermione from finishing her last thought aloud.

She shook her head. "I said, you should make Harry a birthday dinner!"

"You mean cook?"

"Yes, cook."

Sirius gave her a frightened look. "I don't cook. In fact, Remus usually tells me that I am forbidden from entering the kitchen."

Hermione brightened up and Sirius got a bad feeling he wasn't going to like whatever it was she was going to say.

"I'll teach you! I'll be there the entire time helping you along!" She took in the look of fear in his eyes. "Come on! Please?" She put on her best puppy dog look and inwardly snickered as she watched it work it's charm on him.

"Fine."

Hermione cheered and began babbling about what exactly they were going to make.

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Next Day

After carefully and systematically searching the house a determined Hermione found Sirius hiding in a closet. When she asked him why he was in there all she got was a, "hiding from the crazy, evil cooking pixie". She then proceeded to drag him down to the kitchen to cook the preplanned meal, preplanned by Hermione of course.

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"Come on, Sirius! It's not _that_ bad!"

"But Hermione! I'm not good at this!"

Harry and Ron paused in the hallway, just a few yards away from the double doors leading to the kitchen.

"Easy now, Sirius. You don't want it to deflate!"

Ron turned to Harry. "Wha-"

"Sshh!" Harry silenced him and ushered him down the hall with his free hand.

Inside the kitchen, Hermione was desperately trying to keep Sirius from ruining the dinner.

If only she'd known it was going to be this difficult.

"Now we move on to the next part." She turned around just in time to see him trying to put a pot in the oven. "Sirius!" She gasped. "That doesn't go in there!"

"Huh?"

"Here, let me show you." She proceeded to place the pot on the stove.

In the hallway, Harry sat down on the floor, snickering. Ron, on the other hand, looked as if he had seen a ghost. His complexion was pale and his breathing raged.

"No! You aren't supposed to shove it in so hard."

Ron's eyes went wide and his breath caught in his chest. Harry was trying hard not to laugh out loud.

"Hermione," came the whined response, "it only fits if I push hard."

Ron was turning blue now and Harry wondered if his friend even noticed he was holding his breath.

"Um, Hermione?"

"Yes?" was the agitated reply.

"I think I'm stuck!"

In the kitchen, Hermione turned away from cutting a loaf of bread to see Sirius holding up his hand which was caught in a jar.

"Here, let me see if I can help."

She took hold of the jar and tried to pull it off. No luck.

"I think you're too big. Ouch! Don't do that! It hurts!" she scolded him as she delicately sucked on her finger.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I just thought if I tried to pull out suddenly with you there, I might get free."

Ron was now gripping onto Harry's hand as if it were a lifeline. Harry cringed, feeling all the blood drain from his hand which was being crushed in the vice-like grip of Ron's warm, trembling one.

"Here! Let's try this."

They heard an intake of breath, then, "That stuff's cold!"

"Stop whining. See, that helps." There was a brief pause. "Lubricate it!"

"Why don't you just finish doing it?"

"Because I'm not the one who is stuck!"

That was the last straw. Ron went bursting through the doors and into the kitchen dragging poor Harry along with him, still gripping his hand.

The site that greeted them was not what they expected. Sirius was sitting on the counter applying some clear substance to his hand, which the two boys could now clearly see was stuck in a jar. Hermione was standing next to him, stirring something in a pot on the stove.

"What the – oh." Ron felt a blush work its way across his face. "Never mind," he mumbled.

Hermione turned around to meet the intruders. As soon as she saw Harry she started to usher him out from the kitchen.

"No, no, no! You are not allowed in here!" she exclaimed as she forcibly started to push her friend out the door. "You stay out!"

Harry backed away from Hermione, whom he decided was a bit too scary to be around at that moment of time, and called out to his red headed friend.

"Hey Ron! Help me! Your girlfriend is threatening me with a spoon!"

Ron snapped out of his shock and rushed out the doors pulling a willing Harry behind him.

Harry laughed as he heard Ron mumbling.

"Damn, bloody… I thought… and she… and they… bloody hell!"

Harry smiled. His birthdays had never been so interesting before!

**Finished**!

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**That's it! All 2,280 words of it! cheers **

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